Love is a Curious Thing

Romantic love is just so fun. I mean seriously it can be fun, but it can also be absolutely terrible. So what the hell is it and why do we all feel like we have to “find” the one? Well psychologists define romantic love as an “intense attraction that involves the idealization of the other, within an erotic context, with the expectation of enduring for some time into the future.” So that was a bunch of mumbo jumbo and I still don’t have a clear understanding of what romantic love is - do you? I didn’t think so. So I kept researching what “romantic love is” so you didn’t have to and I found some really wacky things and some a little more interesting. I am not going to go into the science of any of these concepts or disprove them. I’m just going to lay out four of the ones that I found that seemed to encompass the the wide array of theories (not including those ones about religion or aliens.)

Romantic Love as an Evolutionary Concept

Romantic love came out of an evolutionary need. This concept comes from the idea that when we as homo sapiens slowly developed over time “love” so that when our partners who had once been good for keeping the species going and keeping us alive, had started to fade away (aka were getting older and not as strong) we would still stay with them because we loved them.

Romantic Love comes from Soulmates

This idea comes from the story of Aristophanes, all the way back to the Greek Gods. Basically we as humans used to be little orbs. With four arms, four legs, four sets of eyes and we were connected as one soul. Zeus, big ol bully that he was, decided that we were too powerful in our orb state (same) and so he split us in two. Separating our souls into two different beings and now we wonder the earth in search of our soul mate.

Romantic Love is Blind

Ever seen that show on Netflix called “Love is Blind” - chaotic and toxic right? Well for those that haven’t seen it. Its this theory that you can fall in love with someone without seeing their physical traits or fully knowing someone. Its about blind faith that the warm feeling you get in your body when you’re talking to someone that you connect with. Its a super interesting concept.

Romantic Love is a Sociocultural Concept

As a sociology major this concept is probably the most fascinating to me. It takes the idea that the consideration of love when forming a connection or partnership with someone is a relatively new concept because historically the main point of marriage was for the succession of lineage as well as the transfer or inheritance of property. In the 19th century though society went through a huge change and began to be what we know now as modernization and urbanization. One of the consequences of this was this almost hyper individualization that women and people of color now had. The idea of “choice.” Marriage and partnership was now no longer something of financial gain - specifically talking about the transfer of property and ensuring the succession of bloodlines. So now with the power of choice - love was now a factor for people.

Romantic Love is a little bit of magic and cultural

For me I think I have come to the conclusion that romantic love is both a little bit of magic and little bit of a cultural thing. I think we all have a want to find a partner and fall in love and have someone there to share the trials and the joys of life. Even someone like me who is very much not in the headspace to find someone right now, I still have that want. But its not what I want right now and that is where it is empowering for me - I am making the CHOICE to not have a partner in my life. I am focusing on other things that are important to me - like this podcast and starting a life coaching business. Those mean more to me right now then having someone to share the daily chores with and have someone to cuddle on the couch with. I will admit though I have caught myself feeling that societal pressure though to find another partner. I don’t have anyone in my life necessarily pressuring me to find someone. But you see it in all forms of media and you also see how DIFFERENTLY single women are treated against their “coupled up” counterparts. Take for example two women. In all ways they are similar - they are both successful, they are confident in their selves and their bodies. They are both happy. The key difference though is one is married and one is single.

Lets simply start with a married woman is a Mrs. while a single woman is Ms. Did you know that for a man there is no differential if he is married or not. Its just Mr. Why does it have to change for a woman? Why does there have to be this immediate marker that a woman is single or not? Sure you can call all women Miss (spell it out), but if you unmarried your title is Miss not Mrs. No matter how powerful of a woman you are - you are still Miss. Now to some that might not be a big deal, to me though what is symbols is that because a woman made a choice to not marry (specifically talking about marriage here) she is now singled out compared to her married counterparts.

Another example of the differences between these two women, I’ll remind you that I said that both of these women were happy in their lives, successful and powerful. But how do you think someone would respond to the single woman if she said “no I don’t have a partner?” I can tell you what I have received from total strangers: “oh don’t worry you’ll find someone eventually.” “oh my gosh good for you, I wish I was still single. Oh the good ol days.” A married woman though - she has it all. She’s happy in her life. She is powerful. She has her partner - she has it all. And while “life isn’t fair,” I do think there is this unfair pressure for women to “fall in love” and have it all. Instead of just being happy with themselves and their choices. There are a few of these depictions of women in media: Jo March from Little Women, Elle Woods in Legally Blonde (but even the premise of the movie is a pretty girl who goes to law school to prove her value to a man), and personally my favorite is Samantha Jones from Sex and The City. I am not shitting on romantic love, but instead just highlighting that women are pressured into believing that they need to have it all and that includes finding a partner that they are “in love with.” I think if women were allowed to just be - I think we would see a lot more empowered women choosing the lives they wanted instead of chasing something that they might not be ready for or want.

Attachment Styles - Romantic Love

I am personally in the camp of not wanting a romantic relationship at this stage of my life. I have taken those tests that are identify your attachment style, and I am super lucky in that I am anxious-avoidant, and I mean that with a huge level of sarcasm. If you don’t know what attachment styles are, don’t worry I’ll describe them. I do recommend looking to this if you are someone that is curious about it. It is not a “if you are this then you should do this to fix it thing.” It should be used as more of a tool than a full on guidance system. It does also not mean that you have a mental disorder or disease. If you think you do - then go see a medically licensed professional. The idea of attachment styles comes from attachment theory which dates back to the 1950’s so a relatively new idea. The idea is that in early childhood the relationship we have with our caregivers forms the way a child will approach social interactions and relationships throughout their life. There are four attachment styles; secure and three that are insecure. Anxious, Avoidant and Anxious-Avoidant. I already mentioned that I test to be anxious-avoidant. But really quick let me break down the differences in each of these. For the anxious little beans their attachment style is often associated with inconsistent parenting pattern. Sometimes the parent was supportive and sometimes the parent was not able to fulfill a child’s needs or was not attuned to their child’s needs. This can lead to a child not knowing or finding it difficult to understand the parents’ behavior and the meaning behind it and what to expect from the parent in the future. There is also an association of the parent seeking emotional support from the child when the parent desires ot have their own needs met rather than their child’s. All of my information I am getting directly from the Attachment Project which I will link in the show notes because there is a lot more information on their website. So Avoidant is referred to or is associated with parents who are strict with their child and emotionally distant. They do not tolerate the expression of feelings, and kind of force their child to be independent and tough. Leading to these children not tolerate emotional or physical intimacy. Now there is anxious-avoidant, the one that I said I tend to test into this style. This attachment is usually associated with a combination of both anxious and avoidant, and one side may come out over the other depending on the situation. These children were usually brought up in a more chaotic world. Receiving love and affection at random times, and leaving the child to feel like they don’t know what to expect and learn to depend on themselves very early. As adults anxious-avoidant folks tend to avoid connecting emotionally with others, are the “lone-wolf” and hyper independent. Now I say that I tested into this style - that doesn’t mean though that I am not capable of having a secure attachment style. I personally have been working on being able to trust and communicate with my platonic relationships. What’s really nice about understanding attachment styles is it kind of gives you a guiding light for why you might be responding or reacting in a certain way, and it can help you backtrack a little and take a moment to focus on what is actually happening in a situation.

For example let’s say someone who is your friend is not able to hang out that night due to a conflict they forgot about. If you are someone who is anxious attachment style and you are responding from that place, you might say: “they are abandoning me I need to try harder.” If you were responding from a healed place you might say, “hi friend, thank you for notifying me. I appreciate it.” Someone that has dealt with their childhood would know that this is not someone abandoning them, this is someone just having poor time management. This is a super simplistic example and there are many factors to go into when dealing with humans and our silly little emotions, but my point is that having an understanding and education of these attachment styles can lend a hand so that you can a) communicate better with your romantic and platonic relationships b) give you a better understanding of where those hurt feelings are responding from.

The anxious avoidant attachment style, gave me some education on things that while I knew I needed to work on them, I didn’t realize that these were things I needed to work on in my different types of relationships. Full transparency I have struggled and continue to struggle with forming new intimate connections with different people because of my childhood and young adolescent experiences. I’m learning though and open to trying to connect with different people. I have healed a lot of the open childhood wounds and continue to work on myself everyday. That still does not mean though that I am ready or that I want a romantic relationship. I am more focused on the relationship with myself and my platonic love for my friends in my life. I went into my last relationship when I was newly 19 years old. It was my freshman year of college and that relationship ended when I was 28. So for nearly ten years I was in a relationship because a) I did love that person, but also b) because it was safe. I got to say that I had it all. But in reality, knowing everything I know now that wasn’t the case. I am focused on reconnecting with this new version of myself. I don’t even know how this version of myself would show up in a romantic relationship. Are my triggers the same? Do I get insecure about the same things? Do I even like the same things? These are all questions that I’ll have answered eventually, but I get to choose when. I’m exploring what its like to be a business woman. What its like to live on my own for the first time in my life. I’m exploring my relationships with my friends. I’m practicing setting boundaries. I’m building up myself again. And whoever my future partner is, I’m not ready for them right now. And that’s okay. I’m celebrating my single-ness. I don’t feel like something or someone is missing from my life. When I am ready to have someone new in my life I want to make sure that I can show up for them in a way that is equivalent to how I will expect them to show up for me.

Having Expectations and Boundaries with a Partner

When I do choose to have a partner I want to ensure that I am clear with them about my expectations and boundaries. Now these won’t be hard and fast rules and I’ll be flexible in some areas, but not in all. I was very flexible in my previous relationship, because I didn’t really know how to be in a relationship. I didn’t know what it meant to be in a long-term committed partnership. I didn’t know what I should and shouldn’t do. I thought having a partner was this fairytale situation and I was honestly a little naive. This led to me not having boundaries or expectations with my partner which led to the both of us having misunderstandings, miscommunication and a missed opportunity to be open and vulnerable with each other. There is nothing I would do differently in my previous relationship because I am not in the mindset of looking back anymore. I have found that the ‘would’ve, could’ve, should’ve’ of relationships holds you back from moving on and moving forward. After the grieving period of a relationship is over I don’t think there is any power or understanding gained from analyzing a previous relationship. Especially doing it on your own. Recognizing patterns with a life coach can be helpful or going into the past with a therapist can be as well, but on your own - there can be nothing gained from that. What I have learned though is that I will be setting boundaries and expectations around the things things that are important to me and hold meaning. An example of that - I want more future partner to show (in their way) what it means to love me and show affection towards me. For me spending quality time is important. So the two of us sitting on the couch while he plays video games or watches whatever sportsball game is on but I’m reading - but every now and then he pats my foot or rubs my ankle just because he wants to be near me but we are doing our own thing because we are independent people who are choosing to be together.

Setting expectations and boundaries at the beginning of a relationship helps both of you. Its a way of showing “hey I respect you and care for you but here are my no no’s and I really would like you to respect them, can you?” Its a request. A request every day that your partner show up for you and show up in a way that is meaningful to the both of you. And it goes both ways, you both have to respect each other and grow with one another. And this is a conversation that should constantly be occurring as you both learn one another. That’s the thing I don’t think we get taught in gradeschool or high school. How to be a good partner. Sure you learn sex ed and how to put a condom on a banana, but you don’t really learn to how build up a long lasting relationship. They just assume you’ll figure it out and based on all the shows like Bachelorette and Love is Blind, I don’t think we are all learning the things we should. Those shows capitalize on the beginnings of love. The promise and hope and the endless possibilities for a future in the sunset. The butterflies in your tummy, the tingly feeling you get. That little zap of joy you get when they send you a ‘good morning’ text. Those are precious feelings that you use to build your relationship up. To build long withstanding love. But what you don’t learn is that its hard, its tough and that it doesn’t always last.

The relationships that I have seen to be the most effective and filled with compassion and respect for each other are the ones where you not only see that they love each other, but that its deeper than just that. They trust one another. They really know one another and are happy to find out the little things they haven’t uncovered yet. They hold space for their partners to have other platonic relationships. They hold space for their partners to be their own person. Because to me that is actual true love. Being able to show up and be your self with that person and they hold space for it all. The good, the bad and the ugly.

So how do you set a healthy mindset around dating and romantic love? It starts with you. It starts with you discovering yourself. Discovering what you want out of life. I have noticed with myself that I have learned a lot about what I don’t want in a future partner. I have even learned a lot about what I don’t want for my life. But transparently - I do not fully understand the type of partner I want. I know that I want them to respect me and care for me, but that’s setting the bar on the fucking floor. Does anyone know that scene from Practical Magic where the little girl is building herself an imaginary man that she thinks doesn’t exist? I know she was doing it because she didn’t want to ever fall in love and be heartbroken but what I want is to know exactly what I want out of a person in a relationship. To have more than just a list of “no’s” but a list of “yes’s.” I want to have someone be yes and better. Because I don’t want to create a checklist, that feels like telling the universe to fuck off with whatever it has open for me. And we don’t do that here. We listen to the universe. Or at least try our damn hardest.

For me, I am not dating because I have only scratched the surface of what it means to be this version of myself and better. I’m so excited to meet future me and I’ll hold space for there to be the potential for a relationship, but I am not actively seeking one out, and I don’t plan on doing that for quite some time. Because its my choice, and I feel so goddamn powerful getting to say that. So if you’re listening and you’re struggling with being single, I challenge you to start looking at yourself and date yourself. Take yourself on dates. Go on walks alone. Go to a nice dinner alone. I promise you - no one is talking about you. In fact I’m sure they are actually saying “that looks so damn nice. I wish I could do that.” and the first time you overhear those words you’re going to feel so empowered so I’ll say it to you now: that looks so damn nice. I wish I could do that.

I hope you enjoyed reading this. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. You are in control. You have the power to live the life of your dreams. I hope everyone has a fantastic day. You got this!